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Reason Number 2 Not to Come to Work Sick: You Might Have Swine Flu

And more importantly, you might give me swine flu.

I’m just kidding. There’s already more than 2 reasons to not go to work when you’re sick. But now in addition to being unproductive, annoying, unsanitary, and a danger of spreading regular germs around the office, you geniuses* with your ridiculously convoluted sense of company loyalty who insist on going to the office and working all that unpaid overtime with a smile on your face when you’re sick are also going to be spreading around swine flu.

I know you love being in the office coughing all over your coworkers, but you know what?  We don’t want you here, either, because you know what’s cooler than being sick? NOT being sick!

Or, maybe you’ve got the right idea.  Maybe when review time comes around, your boss will say “hey, remember when you came to work with your 104 degree fever?  That was awesome.  You’re a real proactive team player.  I’m gonna recommend you for that promotion!”

Cuz that happens.

But seriously, genius*, think about it:

You love this  company so much.  Why else do you work 20-30 additional hours of unpaid overtime every week?  The company’s survival is your survival!  But sick employees are unproductive, and you coming to work and giving everyone swine flu is going to result in lots of unproductive employees, which is actually going to hurt your beloved company.  In other words, the small amount of work that you actually get done in the office when you’re sick is going to be overshadowed by the decrease in productivity from all the people that you make sick.

Stay. The. Hell. Home.

*sarcasm

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How to Tell if Your Company’s PTO Policy is Bullshit

A lot of companies will tell you that one of the perks of working for them is a “generous PTO package” or some baloney like that. Let me explain: You could have a PTO package that gives you 1,000 hours of PTO per year, but it’s completely worthless if you can’t ever use any of it. Fortunately, there is an easy way to see if your company’s PTO policy is bullshit by answering a simple question:

If you want to use PTO time, do you have to work extra to make up for it?

If the answer to that question is “yes,” then your company’s PTO policy is bullshit.

In other words, if you want to take Thursday and Friday off, but in order to do so you have to put in your normal 40+ hours from Monday to Wednesday in order to “make up” for the days that you’ll be out, then that is bullshit. You’re really not doing any less work; in fact, your company is punishing you by forcing you to work longer hours on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. If you were going to have to put in a normal workweek that week anyway, then why bother using (and losing) PTO at all?

Of course, if your company doesn’t require you to work extra when you want to use PTO, then your company’s PTO policy is legit and fair.

Here’s a summary of “Bullshit PTO Policies” vs. “Legit PTO Policies”:

Bullshit PTO Policy – have to work extra to make up for PTO
Hours worked:
Monday-Wednesday: 40
Thursday: 8 (PTO)
Friday: 8 (PTO)
—————
Total Hours Worked: 40
Total PTO Hours Used Up: 16
This is bullshit because you’re still working a full work week, but you’re losing PTO hours.

Legit PTO Policy – you do not have to work extra to make up for PTO
Hours worked:
Monday: 8
Tuesday: 8
Wednesday: 8
Thursday: 8 (PTO)
Friday: 8 (PTO)
—————
Total Hours Worked: 24
Total PTO Hours Used Up: 16
This is legit because your PTO was correctly used in lieu of you being at work.

Hopefully your company falls into the “legit” category.

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Please Stop Burning Your Microwave Popcorn

We all know popcorn is a delicious snack, but if you’re not sure how long to microwave it for, ask the woman who makes it every afternoon (every office has one!); I’m sure she will be happy to tell you.

But please, do not just guess. Just because your old 1980s microwave at home takes 5 minutes to cook a big bag of popcorn does not mean it’s a good idea to try to cook the small bag you got from the vending machine for 5 minutes in the industrial-strength 1100 watt microwave in the office. Seriously. I’m actually working on something important right now and I’m not in the mood for another building evacuation because you set off the fire alarm (again).