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Do You Give Nicknames to People at Your Office?

Look at this list of nicknames.

I was just talking to some former coworkers of mine and we were remembering how, when we all worked together at the same company, we came up with nicknames for all these people that we saw frequently but we didn’t actually know. So we’d see someone in the cafeteria (this job provided catered lunch) do something, and if we wanted to tell the story we’d have to use an agreed-upon nickname since we didn’t actually know the person. The company was huge and not one of those cases where everyone knows everyone else. Anyway, here are some of the names we came up with:

the Librarian – this chick who gave off librarian vibes but looked like she had a freaky side
Model Hair – this middle-aged eastern European woman whose hair always looked like she just finished a photo shoot.
Hitler – self explanatory. I wonder if this guy ever looked in the mirror, though? I mean there’s no way could see himself and not think “gee, I look like Hitler.”
Fanta 1, Fanta 2, Fanta 2-1/2 – these three woman who looked like the Fanta softdrink spokeswomen, the Fantanas.
Super Fanta – a woman who looked like she had undergone a ton of plastic surgery and makeup application to look like a Fantana.
Suitcases – this guy who was a weightlifter and always walked with his arms out to the side, flaring his lats, like he was carrying two invisible suitcases.
That chick who wants to have a kid – there was this woman who was around 28 who gave off really powerful “I wanna have a kid” vibes. Everyone picked up on it, and then someone who actually knew her confirmed it.
Italy – this attractive Italian woman. It’s funny, though, because she wasn’t actually Italian.
Baseball – a guy who carried a baseball around with him and brought it to meetings.

We had a few more but they were inside jokes that wouldn’t make any sense here, even if I explained them.

So does anyone else do this at their job?

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Resumes Are Hilarious (part 1)

Don’t get me wrong:  resumes are definitely a vital part in the process of obtaining a job.  But I always laugh at three specific parts of a resume, the first of which we will look at in this article.

Objective Statment

Objective statements are hilarious because every single one of them can be rephrased as “I want a job so I can get money.”

For example:

Objective:
IT professional highly proficient with transforming established preliminary business requirements into fully functioning systems.  Focused team leader capable of efficiently managing both on and offsite resources. Focused resource instrumental to exhaustive quality checks during development and testing. Synergistic team leader looking for a challenge to further develop interpersonal facilitation skills.

Which can basically be shortened to this:

IT professional highly proficient with transforming established preliminary business requirements into fully functioning systems blah blah buzzwords synergy ping take it up the flagpole obviously I don’t really give a shit what I do I just want this job for the money.

Which can then be shortened to this:

I would like a job so I can have some income.

It’s true.  Don’t lie to yourself.  Proof: would you continue to work at your job if you didn’t need money?

Of course not.

Unless your job is fun, like if you’re a guitar teacher or you work with puppies or something, but in that case you probably don’t have a corporate job so you’re not even on this website.

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Hey Alcoholic, Try to Wait Until Happy-Hour!

Contrary to how it may sound, drinking at work is a bad idea.

Some people take things too far.

Most people hate their jobs.  You know it’s true.  I know it’s true.  That’s why you’re on this website in the first place.  And a lot of people turn to alcohol when they’re in a situation that they don’t like.  But seriously, don’t drink at work, and here’s why:

1.  Contrary to what you think, alcohol has a very noticeable odor.  You know that little sample-sized bottle of vodka that you keep in your desk drawer and mix into a bottle of fruit juice when no one is looking?  We can smell it.  Even if you go into the bathroom and mix it there, put the lid back on, and hide it in your desk, we can still smell it.

2.  Contrary to what you think, we can smell vodka on your breath.  For some reason a lot of people think that vodka doesn’t have an odor.  I don’t know where this idea started, but it’s wrong.  It has a very distinct smell: ALCOHOL.  So even if you pound your drink while hidden in a bathroom stall, we can still smell it on you when you get back to your desk.

3.  You’re probably a useless employee in the first place, but when you’re drunk at work, you somehow manage to become even more useless.  At one of my jobs there was this woman who would leave for 15-30 minutes at a time and go to ther car and drink.  When she came back she’d smell like alcohol (see point #2 above) and just sit there at her desk doing nothing.  Actually, now that I think about it, sometimes she would pick up the phone and call her kids and start screaming at them.  How classy!  Of course, she was buddy-buddy with her manager so she never got fired because let’s face it, it’s not about how productive of an employee you are; it’s about how much your boss likes you.

4.  Your liver will thank you.  That’s right.  I said it.

Now get back to work and try to wait until at least 5pm to start with the drinky.