If your garbage documentation was helpful in the first place then I wouldn’t have even needed to bother you with my question at all.  But since your documentation sucks, now you need to answer my question.

That doesn’t mean to give me pre-scripted responses, either.

It means listen to my question and then give me the answer.  Not 5 other things that aren’t the answer, and certainly not a link to a big ass database that may or may not have the answer in it somewhere.

Geez, this is like if I ask my doctor a question about a drug and he throws the Merck Manual at me.

This makes me want to rip out what remaining hair I have on my head.

Answer my damn question.

Answer it.

Even saying “I’m not sure, let me get back to you” is better than the BS I’ve been wading through for the last 45 minutes as you throw answers at me that might be good answers to other questions, but don’t address the specific question I’m asking you.

You suck.

Bookmark It

Exactly what is the cloud?  Every time you see a technology commercial, someone is talking about “the cloud.”  It must be pretty awesome, right?

Do you know what it is?

It’s the internet.

Really.

We’ve all been using the cloud for years.  In fact, you’re using the cloud right now.

So why are they calling it that?  Why the new name? Why not just say “the internet” or after you finish uploading something, say “it’s online?”

Because people like stupid names for things, I guess.  It makes them feel special.

Now, get off of my cloud.

Bookmark It

The article I wrote that was the inspirational basis for this entire website:
Working in Systems Development Sucks

The article that exposes the truth about the corporate game.  It’s not what you know, nor is it how much work you do.  It’s how much your managers think you do:
How to Get a Good Performance Review

So many of you are disgusting:
It’s Too Bad a College Education Doesn’t Teach You How to Use the Bathroom

Keep your germs away from me:
If You Come to Work Sick, You Should Be Fired

Stop talking like idiots!
Guide To Corporate Buzzwords, Part I

These should keep you satiated until the next article/book release.

Bookmark It

It seems that corporate life sucks no matter where you live.  Keep fighting the good fight, everyone.

Bookmark It

Imagine you get a request from a client for some work they want done.  Ok, great, right?  Except their request has a few issues so you email them back and point out the issues and ask for clarification.  At this point, you are probably expecting an email from them clarifying the items in question, right?

So imagine when the response you get is just a FWD’ed copy of the first email they sent you.  This is like the business equivalent of when some idiot is dealing with a tourist who doesn’t speak English and they just repeat themselves louder when the tourist doesn’t understand them the first time.

Way to be classy, asshole.

Had I wanted to read a stupid, unhelpful email, I would’ve just read the first email you sent me all over again.  Why send me the same thing again?  Why?  What possible thought process lead you to do that?  Were you like “Hey, this guy asked specific, quantifiable questions, so rather than answer them so we can move forward with this project, I’m just going to send the same ambiguously vague bullshit again”??

I cannot wait until I have the power to refuse work for clients simply because they’re annoying to deal with.

Bookmark It

Have a look at a rendering of how the actual book may look:

In the meantime, keep working that unpaid overtime with a smile on your face, taking smoke breaks, and asking stupid questions in meetings while you wait!

Bookmark It

“Not sure. Propose for current state of market.”

Guess what, asshole? I can’t “propose for current state of market” until you answer the fucking questions I just asked you. Do you think I asked them because I was bored and didn’t have anything better to do? Do you think I asked them because surfing the internet finally got boring and I decided I would rather do some work? And speaking of questions, did you mean to ask me one? Because your sentence ended with a period.

And what is this “not sure” shit? Who or what is not sure? I mean, in this case I know the answer is the guy who sent me the email because he’s a moron, but in the future, don’t forget to include the subject of your sentence.

And “propose for current state of market???” Did you mean to ask me what my proposal is but you’re too much of an idiot to formulate a complete sentence? How did you ever pass elementary school?

This drives me nuts.

Do you know how many emails consist entirely of these abbreviated thoughts pretending to be legit sentences?

“Things good. Seeing improvement in stat not sure how long will last.” (I didn’t even know what the fuck this guy was talking about in the first place. That’s all the email said. It didn’t have a subject or even any previous emails quoted below it. And I’m not even sure how that happens because every email client I’ve ever used gives you a warning message if you try to send an email with a blank subject field).

“Not sure. Thinking of the second but it makes good case.” What????

To call these “Pidgin English” would be an insult to Pidgin languages everywhere.

These all came from native English speakers, too. For the most part they can speak ok, but when it’s time to write an email it’s like they instantly drop 30 IQ points.

And if I had a nickel for every time some moron ended their email with “please advice” I would have enough money for me and my entire extended family to retire. Not only does that make you sound like another mindless corporate drone who loves working long hours, but “advice” is a noun. The word you’re looking for is “advise.” At least try to be less of an idiot.

Please advice.

Bookmark It

The worst part is that no one cares except for HR. If you say “Merry Christmas” and someone in HR overhears, you’re going to get written up for being culturally intolerant. They will tell you “you know, people who celebrate Hanukkah and Kwanzaa will be offended!”

Are you serious? No they won’t! I’ve never met a single Jewish person who was offended at me saying “Merry Christmas” to anyone. I even say “Happy Hanukkah!” to my Jewish friends. I’ve never met anyone who celebrates Kwanzaa, but I’m sure they wouldn’t be offended, either. Hell, I’d like to meet someone who does so I could tell them “Happy Kwanzaa!”, but HR probably wouldn’t allow that, either.

What about people who celebrate Festivus?

What about members of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

You know, I feel that HR is not being sensitive to their needs when they display a Christmas tree, a Menorah, and a Kinara (Kwanzaa candleholder) in the lobbies of their buildings. Where is the Festivus pole? Where is the… whatever Flying Spaghetti Monster worshippers display?

You know what, I can’t even finish this article. I have to go cry to HR about cultural insensitivity…

Bookmark It

It’s no secret that being at work sucks, but you can’t just get up and leave whenever you feel like it without getting fired, and if you’re being timed on the clock, you may not even be able to get up and take an unscheduled break.  But sometimes you just need a break from your micromanaging bosses, your annoying coworkers, your stupid clients, and all the bullshit that you have to deal with on a daily basis.  Fortunately, there is a solution: the bathroom break*.

Bathroom breaks are great even if you don’t actually have to go to the bathroom! They provide you with a private, stress-free environment, and no one can tell if you’re sitting on the toilet because you actually have to go, or if you’re just taking a break! You can do whatever you want, including:

- Surf the net on your phone
- Test out that new iPhone game you just downloaded (make sure to turn the sound off, however, lest your cover be spoiled)
- Take a break from the never-ending babble of annoying coworkers
- Hide from annoying managers
- Sit back and relax
- Take a nap (this is an advanced technique that will be examined in a later article)

Look at it this way: if CEOs and other high-level executives can get paid millions of dollars a year to play golf, then there’s nothing that says you shouldn’t be able to take the occasional unscheduled bathroom break to play a golf game on your cell phone. It’s really the same thing. The only difference is your break isn’t costing the company as much money.

As you become more in tune with your surroundings, you may begin to notice a “clicking” sound during your bathroom breaks; indeed, this is the sound of people in the stalls next to you pushing buttons on their cell phones as they surf the net or play a game as well. Congratulations! You are now a member of an exclusive club.


*I am aware of some companies that do not even allow unscheduled bathroom breaks (it’s usually the same type of company where you’re not allowed to call in sick). In the event that you work for one of these types of companies, you should probably just quit.

Bookmark It

Well, you probably wouldn’t actually do it. Everyone likes to talk a big game, but having to fire someone sucks, and the more human and empathetic of a person you actually are, the harder it is. You’re basically telling them that they’re going to have a lot more difficulty in the near future providing for themselves and their families.

Now, if the person truly is useless at the company and you’re firing them because they actually suck, then it’s not so bad. You just have to pretend to care. Try not to smirk, laugh, or celebrate until they’re out of your office and you’ve closed your door.

Then bust out the champagne.

Bookmark It