You are here because corporate life sucks. You hate your job, you hate your work environment, and you probably hate your coworkers, too.Ping. verb
1. the act of checking the speed of Packet data sent and received on a network.
I propose a revolution: whenever the next corporate idiot wants you to send them an instant message and tells you “ping me when you get back to your desk” (or whatever), reply with “Ok, what’s your IP address?” Then perform an actual ping on him and inform him of his computer’s response time
Bookmark ItIf your office building has an elevator you probably use it every day, especially if you’re lazy (not that there’s anything wrong with that!). But there are certain rules that should be followed if you’re going to use the elevator.
1. If you just got in and someone else is approaching the elevator and is only 5-10 feet away, hold the door open. Don’t be that person who starts hitting the “close door” button really fast, and if you are going to be that person, definitely don’t look at the person and shrug as if you were actually ..read more
Look at this list of nicknames.
I was just talking to some former coworkers of mine and we were remembering how, when we all worked together at the same company, we came up with nicknames for all these people that we saw frequently but we didn’t actually know. So we’d see someone in the cafeteria (this job provided catered lunch) do something, and if we wanted to tell the story we’d have to use an agreed-upon nickname since we didn’t actually know the person. The company was huge and not one of those cases where everyone knows everyone else. ..read more
Don’t get me wrong: resumes are definitely a vital part in the process of obtaining a job. But I always laugh at three specific parts of a resume, the first of which we will look at in this article.
Objective Statment
Objective statements are hilarious because every single one of them can be rephrased as “I want a job so I can get money.”
For example:
Objective:
IT professional highly proficient with transforming established preliminary business requirements into fully functioning systems. Focused team leader capable of efficiently managing both on and offsite resources. Focused resource instrumental to exhaustive quality checks during development and testing. ..read more
Contrary to how it may sound, drinking at work is a bad idea.
Some people take things too far.
Most people hate their jobs. You know it’s true. I know it’s true. That’s why you’re on this website in the first place. And a lot of people turn to alcohol when they’re in a situation that they don’t like. But seriously, don’t drink at work, and here’s why:
1. Contrary to what you think, alcohol has a very noticeable odor. You know that little sample-sized bottle of vodka that you keep in your desk drawer and mix into a bottle of fruit juice ..read more
The economy and job market both suck right now and everyone is getting (or has already gotten) laid off, and as a result pretty much everyone is looking for a job right now, too. As a result, a lot of “job search” websites are popping up, some of which are legit, many of which are filled with horrible advice, and a few of which are even designed to take advantage of your situation and screw you over.
Bad Advice 1: You should bypass the internet and physically go to the company’s office to drop off your resume so they can get ..read more
At my first corporate job we used Lotus Notes and subsequently used an instant messaging program called Sametime. I’m sure many of you reading this are familiar with it. If not, it’s basically exactly like Instant Messenger except it says “Sametime” instead of “AIM” in the window.
Anyway, one day I had to ask one of my managers a question so I sent him a Sametime and said “hey.”
He replied “hey is for horses, not for managers.”
I’m not sure if he was trying to be funny or if he was trying to suggest that I should be more formal ..read more
Have you ever been asked this before by your manager?
What a loaded question.
Obviously saying anything other than “I want to grow with this company” is going to get you a ton of shit. And don’t get me wrong, that is exactly what you should say. But consider the opposite:
Does your company want you to grow? Does your company actually give a shit about you? If your job suddenly became “redundant,” as the British like to call it, would leadership say “oh gee, it’s too bad Joe Schmoe’s job is being eliminated… we really like him and want ..read more
And more importantly, you might give me swine flu.
I’m just kidding. There’s already more than 2 reasons to not go to work when you’re sick. But now in addition to being unproductive, annoying, unsanitary, and a danger of spreading regular germs around the office, you geniuses* with your ridiculously convoluted sense of company loyalty who insist on going to the office and working all that unpaid overtime with a smile on your face when you’re sick are also going to be spreading around swine flu.
I know you love being in the office coughing all over your coworkers, but you know ..read more
A lot of companies will tell you that one of the perks of working for them is a “generous PTO package” or some baloney like that. Let me explain: You could have a PTO package that gives you 1,000 hours of PTO per year, but it’s completely worthless if you can’t ever use any of it. Fortunately, there is an easy way to see if your company’s PTO policy is bullshit by answering a simple question:
If you want to use PTO time, do you have to work extra to make up for it?
If the answer to that question ..read more
