We all know popcorn is a delicious snack, but if you’re not sure how long to microwave it for, ask the woman who makes it every afternoon (every office has one!); I’m sure she will be happy to tell you.
But please, do not just guess. Just because your old 1980s microwave at home takes 5 minutes to cook a big bag of popcorn does not mean it’s a good idea to try to cook the small bag you got from the vending machine for 5 minutes in the industrial-strength 1100 watt microwave in the office. Seriously. I’m actually working on ..read more
Why does everyone get so excited when someone brings a baby into the office? It’s like a sudden explosion of maternal instinct hysteria. And it’s always the same:
Someone walks onto the floor and you notice something odd is going on because their gait is different than normal: they’re bouncing ever so slightly with each step.
Then you see the reason: they’re carrying (and simultaneously entertaining) a baby.
You keep it to yourself because you know what events are about to follow…
“It’s a baby!”
Followed by…
“IT’S A BABY!!!”
And there’s always at least one slightly aloof woman who says…
“What? What do you mean there’s a ..read more
This article is a guest submission from someone who has worked in HR for a while. She says the idiots with which she must deal on a daily basis often drive her to drink (just kidding (no, I’m not)). So without any more delay, here is her contribution:
Greetings from the world of HR!
Despite being a card-carrying member of corporate America (thank God my company doesn’t suck that much — and no, we don’t currently have any openings, so don’t ask), I feel compelled to write this article for corporatelifesucks.org in an attempt to show you just another aspect of corporate ..read more
I do not smoke, but I think smokers are absolutely brilliant. It’s the greatest excuse possible to excuse yourself from working, and it’s absoutely, 100% legit.
If you’re not a smoker and you get up to go stretch your legs and take a break, chances are your micromanaging boss will see you and will cite “slacking off” as a reason you’re not getting a raise at your next performance review.
However, if you are a smoker, you are free to excuse yourself whenever you want to go have a smoke. The entire corporate infrastructure is based around understanding nicotine cravings. Not only ..read more
Japan is legendary for its insane work schedules. Corporate employees in America are known to love to stay and work unpaid overtime, but in Japan it’s not unheard of for employees to keep inflatable beds around so they can sleep at the office. The Japanese language even has a word, karoshi, that means “death from overwork”.
The main difference between American’s long hours and the long hours worked by Japanese employees lies in the context.
Americans love being at the office because they hate their lives and hate spending time with their families and would rather be at work. Japanese, on the ..read more
“Lucrative” is the most commonly heard word before you accept a job (contrast with “proactive” which is the most commonly heard word after you accept a job).
Every job posting I have ever seen has described its benefits package as “lucrative.” Sometimes it even says “lucrative salary,” too. And then during the initial interview, it’s as if HR wants to make absolutely sure you are aware of their “lucrative” package, so before actual compensation amounts are even discussed, the interviewer always mentions again how “lucrative” their offer is.
There wouldn’t even be anything wrong with that if every company didn’t describe its ..read more
If there’s one thing corporate employees love more than working long hours, it’s giving stupid names to simple concepts.
There’s a really long explanation involving lots of math, but I will give you the short version: Six Sigma is a methodology designed to eliminate defects and improve efficiency. The name “Six Sigma” comes from being six levels of standard deviation away from the mean of a process on a normal distribution graph. Boring, right? Basically Six Sigma means you’re operating at 99.9997% efficiency.
Like many other things in the corporate world, Six Sigma is full of pseudo-words (things that would be acronyms ..read more
Seriously. You want to know what I’m working on right now? The same thing I was working on five seconds ago when you last asked.
And when you ask again in another five seconds, I’ll probably still be working on the same thing.
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SWE is yet another corporate acronym that stands for “Satisfying Work Experience.” Your manager can’t just ask you “how do you like your job?” Instead, they have to ask you “How is your SWE?” (pronounced like “swee,” as if it were actually a real word).
At my first job, we had all been working ridiculous hours and weekends (as per usual), and one of the managers took a few members of my team into a conference room and asks us:
“You guys have all been working really hard. What can I do to improve your SWE?”
At this point, my friend and coworker ..read more
I want you to get rid of the idea that you have to work hard in order to get a good review. I have gotten my worst reviews ever when I was busting ass, working 12+ hour days, fixing code that no one else understood, turning in projects and closing out tasks left and right, making a ton of progress. And conversely, I have gotten my best reviews when I was hardly doing anything at all! In fact, at one job, I had only been there for 3 months and I literally hadn’t done anything yet, and my manager pulled ..read more
You are here because corporate life sucks. You hate your job, you hate your work environment, and you probably hate your coworkers, too.
