Resumes Are Hilarious (part 1)

Don’t get me wrong:  resumes are definitely a vital part in the process of obtaining a job.  But I always laugh at three specific parts of a resume, the first of which we will look at in this article.

Objective Statment

Objective statements are hilarious because every single one of them can be rephrased as “I want a job so I can get money.”

For example:

Objective:
IT professional highly proficient with transforming established preliminary business requirements into fully functioning systems.  Focused team leader capable of efficiently managing both on and offsite resources. Focused resource instrumental to exhaustive quality checks during development and testing. Synergistic team leader looking for a challenge to further develop interpersonal facilitation skills.

Which can basically be shortened to this:

IT professional highly proficient with transforming established preliminary business requirements into fully functioning systems blah blah buzzwords synergy ping take it up the flagpole obviously I don’t really give a shit what I do I just want this job for the money.

Which can then be shortened to this:

I would like a job so I can have some income.

It’s true.  Don’t lie to yourself.  Proof: would you continue to work at your job if you didn’t need money?

Of course not.

Unless your job is fun, like if you’re a guitar teacher or you work with puppies or something, but in that case you probably don’t have a corporate job so you’re not even on this website.