I just sent someone an email asking detailed questions and the response I got back was this:
“Not sure. Propose for current state of market.”
Guess what, asshole? I can’t “propose for current state of market” until you answer the fucking questions I just asked you. Do you think I asked them because I was bored and didn’t have anything better to do? Do you think I asked them because surfing the internet finally got boring and I decided I would rather do some work? And speaking of questions, did you mean to ask me one? ..read more
You can’t even say “Merry Christmas” in the office anymore without offending someone. What the hell is that crap? I remember years ago when you could say “Merry Christmas!” and people would respond “Merry Christmas to you, too!” People used to decorate the office with Christmas trees and banners that read “Merry Christmas” and everyone was happy. But you can’t do that anymore. It’s all “Happy Holidays” now.
The worst part is that no one cares except for HR. If you say “Merry Christmas” and someone in HR overhears, you’re going to get written up ..read more
Going to the bathroom in the corporate world can actually serve two purposes: 1) relieving yourself, and 2) passing time. I think number 1 right there is pretty obvious, so let’s talk about number 2 (no pun intended).
It’s no secret that being at work sucks, but you can’t just get up and leave whenever you feel like it without getting fired, and if you’re being timed on the clock, you may not even be able to get up and take an unscheduled break. But sometimes you just need a break from your micromanaging bosses, your annoying coworkers, your stupid ..read more
Everyone has that one person at work that they hate; their very presence makes your blood boil and your teeth clench. And I’m sure some of you have those 50 people at work that you hate. And you’re probably like “man, I sure do hate so-and-so. I wish they’d get fired so I’d never have to work with them again!” And then on those days when you are really bringing the hate, you probably think “Hell, I’d fire them myself!”
Well, you probably wouldn’t actually do it. Everyone likes to talk a big game, but having ..read more
If your office building has an elevator you probably use it every day, especially if you’re lazy (not that there’s anything wrong with that!). But there are certain rules that should be followed if you’re going to use the elevator.
1. If you just got in and someone else is approaching the elevator and is only 5-10 feet away, hold the door open. Don’t be that person who starts hitting the “close door” button really fast, and if you are going to be that person, definitely don’t look at the person and shrug as if you were actually ..read more
Look at this list of nicknames.
I was just talking to some former coworkers of mine and we were remembering how, when we all worked together at the same company, we came up with nicknames for all these people that we saw frequently but we didn’t actually know. So we’d see someone in the cafeteria (this job provided catered lunch) do something, and if we wanted to tell the story we’d have to use an agreed-upon nickname since we didn’t actually know the person. The company was huge and not one of those cases where everyone knows everyone else. ..read more
Contrary to how it may sound, drinking at work is a bad idea.
Some people take things too far.
Most people hate their jobs. You know it’s true. I know it’s true. That’s why you’re on this website in the first place. And a lot of people turn to alcohol when they’re in a situation that they don’t like. But seriously, don’t drink at work, and here’s why:
1. Contrary to what you think, alcohol has a very noticeable odor. You know that little sample-sized bottle of vodka that you keep in your desk drawer and mix into a bottle of fruit juice ..read more
At my first corporate job we used Lotus Notes and subsequently used an instant messaging program called Sametime. I’m sure many of you reading this are familiar with it. If not, it’s basically exactly like Instant Messenger except it says “Sametime” instead of “AIM” in the window.
Anyway, one day I had to ask one of my managers a question so I sent him a Sametime and said “hey.”
He replied “hey is for horses, not for managers.”
I’m not sure if he was trying to be funny or if he was trying to suggest that I should be more formal ..read more
And more importantly, you might give me swine flu.
I’m just kidding. There’s already more than 2 reasons to not go to work when you’re sick. But now in addition to being unproductive, annoying, unsanitary, and a danger of spreading regular germs around the office, you geniuses* with your ridiculously convoluted sense of company loyalty who insist on going to the office and working all that unpaid overtime with a smile on your face when you’re sick are also going to be spreading around swine flu.
I know you love being in the office coughing all over your coworkers, but you know ..read more
I do not smoke, but I think smokers are absolutely brilliant. It’s the greatest excuse possible to excuse yourself from working, and it’s absoutely, 100% legit.
If you’re not a smoker and you get up to go stretch your legs and take a break, chances are your micromanaging boss will see you and will cite “slacking off” as a reason you’re not getting a raise at your next performance review.
However, if you are a smoker, you are free to excuse yourself whenever you want to go have a smoke. The entire corporate infrastructure is based around understanding nicotine cravings. Not only ..read more